It’s crazy how fast things can change.

I was so happy and finally feeling more like myself.

I just got back from Texas and I haven’t even had a chance to write about my graduation weekend and girls’ trip yet.

More on that later because…

I DID IT!!!

I GOT MY DEGREE!!!

Finally.

And FOR REALS THIS TIME. 😂

My diploma actually came in the mail the other day, and I felt so proud and accomplished.

Then last Monday, I noticed a bruise on my left breast, kind of near the area where they removed the tumor.

So I started feeling around and…

OMGGGGGGG.

I felt a lump.

Like…

A REAL LUMP.

Of course I immediately started freaking out.

Actually, I burst into tears because I couldn’t believe what I was feeling.

I had my regular oncology appointment on Wednesday and asked my oncologist to check it out.

It was also the first time I’d seen her since graduation, and I was so excited to show her the video of me walking across the stage.

She’s been cheering me on this whole time and was so happy for me.

But then I had to tell her:

I found a lump.

She examined it and thought what I was feeling could be my ribs and scar tissue. I’d lost a lot of weight, and I’d also had surgery in that area, so she thought that might explain why I could suddenly feel things I hadn’t noticed before.

She didn’t seem too worried.

So at that point…

I wasn’t too worried either.

But just to be safe, she ordered a STAT ultrasound.

I went for the ultrasound the very next day and…

UGHHHHHHHHH.

Here I go again.

The ultrasound tech found something, and they had me stay for a mammogram.

While I was waiting for the mammogram, I was completely flipping out.

All the scary thoughts.

Hyperventilating.

ALL OF IT.

But I was still hopeful.

Even after the mammogram, I was thinking:

It’s probably scar tissue.

Then, while I was driving home, my oncologist’s office called.

They found something on the mammogram.

I needed a biopsy.

They told me my oncologist was aware and surprised because she hadn’t felt anything particularly concerning during my exam. There was still a possibility that what they were seeing could be related to surgery, scar tissue or trauma.

And this is where I started developing what I’m going to call…

Charlie Brown Syndrome.

I think I just made that up. 😂

It’s when someone is talking to you, but all you hear is:

Wah wah wah wah wah wah…

I don’t even know how I drove home.

I don’t remember driving.

But somehow…

I stopped at Chick-fil-A and got a cookie. 🤣

So yeah.

I’m about to get on this crazy roller coaster ride…

Again.

My biopsy is scheduled for 7/7.

That’s a lucky sign, right?

Then I have to wait for the results.

And I already know that waiting is going to be the hardest part.

I’m also scared as shit about having another biopsy.

I remember the needle.

I remember the vacuum.

And I remember that sound.

Like construction drilling…

Except it’s happening ON YOUR BODY.

I’ve been paralyzed with fear.

Thinking about all the what-ifs.

Going over everything in my head.

It finally got to the point where I thought:

WTF. I need something to help me calm down.

Now I understand why people call Xanax the chill pill.

One thing I love about writing in my blog is that there are no comments.

Because I know people mean well…

But sometimes I just don’t want to hear:

“You’re so brave.”

“You’re so strong.”

I remember saying those exact same things to a friend when she got breast cancer.

Because…

I didn’t know what else to say.

But now I understand how it feels from the other side.

To me, brave is a soldier who volunteers to fight and possibly die for their country.

I didn’t volunteer for cancer.

I definitely didn’t sign up for this.

And here we go again with the toxic positivity.

The pressure to stay positive.

The idea that it’s all about having the right mindset.

Like…

WTF.

I’m not going to revisit all of that again.

I’m just going to say—in my Darth Vader voice:

I AM FREAKING POSITIVE.

I want to share this because it is exactly how I feel:

I’m thinking good thoughts.

I’m thinking positive thoughts.

If you want to help me…

Please pray and think positive thoughts FOR me.

Sending you all lots of love. 💖