BTW, totally borrowing this from I Am Legend, another one of my favorite end-of-the-world movies.
So, the tiger is my Chinese zodiac sign and 22 is my favorite number.
So much auspiciousness!
And wow…
Where did the time go?
The last time it was the Year of the Tiger was 2010, and I was heading out to work in Dubai!
I was supposed to be out there for only two months…
And ended up living and working overseas for seven years.
Definitely one of the most amazing times I’ve had in my life.
Ahhhh, the memories!
Anyways…
This year I’m going to be graduating—FOR REALS THIS TIME—from the University of North Texas on May 14th.
And that will be my proudest accomplishment for this special Year of the Tiger.
And on the other hand, or paw.
Cancer is still my full-time job.
Every three weeks I have treatment.
It takes about two to three hours, and it’s in the same place where I had chemotherapy.
I try not to get triggered, but sometimes just being back in that environment is triggering.
Every four weeks I have a hormone injection. I have oncology appointments constantly. I have regular heart scans, mammograms and PET scans.
It never ends.
And besides all the appointments—and the insane amount of time it takes just to MAKE all these appointments—I’ve also been dealing with side effects.
Okay…
THIS IS THE TMI SECTION.
Don’t read it if you don’t want to get grossed out!
Usually the first two hours of my day involve diarrhea.
I spend two hours going and cleaning…
Going and cleaning…
It’s a really shitty way to start the day!!! 💩
I’m so disgusted by my own bodily functions.
Then in the afternoon, the nausea starts creeping in.
I have anti-nausea medication, but sometimes even taking it reminds me of how awful chemo was.
Lately I’ve also developed cramping in my legs that’s so painful I’m crying.
I had to get a STAT DVT scan to make sure I didn’t have blood clots.
Luckily…
CLEAR!
But these cramps like to start acting up right around the time I’m trying to go to bed.
I’m trying to manage all of these things, but sometimes it feels like managing one side effect creates another problem.
Too much of one thing…
Diarrhea.
Too much of another…
Constipation.
And somewhere in the middle of all this, I’m also taking tamoxifen and dealing with hot flashes.
My life is consumed by cancer.
I can’t get away from it even if I try.
But having school and work keeps me preoccupied.
Sometimes I don’t know how I would get through this without having other things in my life to focus on.
Sometimes I think I’m still in the denial stage.
Like…
I can’t believe this is my life.
But I am always hopeful.
And I always try my best to embrace positivity.
I’ve also realized that maybe I’ve been praying for the wrong thing this whole time.
Before, I prayed that my cancer wouldn’t come back.
But with metastatic breast cancer, I know it’s more complicated than that.
So now I pray:
Please let my treatment keep working.
Lately I’ve also gotten really good at talking about cancer…
And practicing my comebacks. 😂
Conversation goes something like this:
Person: “Oh, my friend’s wife beat cancer twice. She has a really good mindset. You need to think positive and change your mindset!”
Me: “It’s a lot easier to be positive when your cancer isn’t terminal. Why don’t you think positive thoughts for me instead of telling me to be positive?”
Person: “Everyone is terminal. I could step off the curb and get hit by a car tomorrow.”
Me: “Funny you should say that. I had this exact conversation with my friend, and she got hit by a streetcar and is currently in a coma. The big difference is that you don’t wake up every day thinking you’re going to get hit by a car…
Do you?”
I just thought of another accomplishment for this year.
Prioritizing and taking care of my mental health. 🙂
More on this in another post because it’s a very long, complicated, cray-cray story.
And circling all the way back to 1998…
That’s also when I was basically forced to see the school therapist or get barred from school.
I was doing so bad!
But being forced to go to therapy turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
It changed my life.
It changed it for the better.
And most importantly, it has brought me so much peace and acceptance.
Sending you all lots of love. 💖
